Reservations- A Future Press Release
In a significant move today, Congress announced 50 % reservation for all Left Handed people in IITs/IIMs. Said a congress spokesman , "In 60 years of independence there has not been a single left handed CEO. It is time to set the system right " . This reservation will be over and above the existing reservations taking the total reservation to 99.73 %. In order to take care of the fractions, the government also announced an increase in the number of seats taking the total IIM seats to 1000.
The official bill would be signed soon by the PM's office ....with his left hand. Predictably, the Communist parties cheered this announcement saying that "We have been on the left for years and it is time the system is set right....I mean left....no Sorry ...I mean right....well may be left, AWW What the... any side will do as long it is not the American one" . This was a move which was long overdue and if the parliament had not held it's seasonal sessions throwing flower pots at each other, it would have been passed right back when V P Singh was still the prime minister and Lata Mangeshkar could actually still sing in the sonic frequency range. This move is not totally unexpected. Indeed before enjoying comparisons with another hugely popular figure , Homer Simpson, ex Prime Minister V P Singh had actually considered reservation for left handers but made it as a second priority as with it, it would have taken just too long to screw up a nation.
While fielding questions from the media at the press conference, the UPA government defended the decision saying that this reservation is not applicable for a creamy layer. It applies only to those who are born left handed and not those who are all left hands like Parthiv Patel. Also, this will exclude those left handers who think they are always right e.g Saurav Ganguly, Mahesh Bhatt etc. Amongst the first few bodies to react, the Left Handed Albino employees Union have welcomed this move saying that this move is the correct step on the direction to ensure quotas for the left handed Albino employees family members . For generations, they claimed that left handers have been oppressed by the right handers. There are many instances in history when the non left handed just came down with a heavy hand on the left just because they had the right. Many ancient Indian leaders like Akbar, Ashoka, Jyoti Basu etc were all right handed. The left handed were not given by due by the society to date that even 50 years after independence , there exist places in states like Bihar where the left handed are not even permitted to kidnap or kill people. Even traditionally, left handers were depicted by media as pure evil i.e. Ravi Shastri etc.
Political parties in the opposition have reacted differrently . BJP leaders promised to take a rath yatra first before visiting the issue. Jayalalitha promptly unveiled a statue of herself at the Meenakshi temple. Shiv Sena Supremos insisted that unless all Maharastrians were classified as left handed , he will ask his loyal Sainiks who numbered 7 at the time of going to the press, to burn a few trains( headed out of state). However if they are classified, the Shiv Sena will unlilaterally volunteer to restrict itself to looting shops belonging to right handers. TDP leaders announced a left handed technoclogy park and made a SWOT analysis and a statistical model about the impact of this move and announced the the formation of a sub commitee which will explore the advantages of making a powerpoint presentation using only the left hand. Dewe Gowda after a brief period of confusion in trying to differentiate between the right and the left , finally managed to get a few moments with the press and reacted , "What about the left handed farmers ?" before his last words were drowned by his snoring.
Some regional congress administrations have supported this move with Vilasrao Deshmukh legalising all slums built by Left Handers. A few organisations like the National Right handed weavers have actually claimed that they were orignally left handed but were forced to change to the right owing to the system and hence should qualify for this. Some hitherto neutral organisations like The Mumbai Rickshaw Drivers association have stated that even though they might have obtained their driving license on the basis of the Playstation 2 skills, they are actually closet left handed people, so much so that even when they want to turn right, they still signal left and decided to go on a strike to ask for their right to be left.
The IIT and IIM directors met at a meeting in Delhi to confabulate on this topic before they realised that no one in the media was really sure what "confabulate" meant . They have now decided to merely discuss and then directly submit their findings to a high powered shredding machine in Delhi, in order to save some time. The UPA government spokesman further said , "Ensuring primary education for all people might be a good form of ensuring social justice but it takes too much time and brings in too few votes. The UPA government as a part of it's manifesto is committed to rapid social justice before anything else....even if it happens to be left handed"
Ujwala Bayaji
PTI
In a significant move today, Congress announced 50 % reservation for all Left Handed people in IITs/IIMs. Said a congress spokesman , "In 60 years of independence there has not been a single left handed CEO. It is time to set the system right " . This reservation will be over and above the existing reservations taking the total reservation to 99.73 %. In order to take care of the fractions, the government also announced an increase in the number of seats taking the total IIM seats to 1000.
The official bill would be signed soon by the PM's office ....with his left hand. Predictably, the Communist parties cheered this announcement saying that "We have been on the left for years and it is time the system is set right....I mean left....no Sorry ...I mean right....well may be left, AWW What the... any side will do as long it is not the American one" . This was a move which was long overdue and if the parliament had not held it's seasonal sessions throwing flower pots at each other, it would have been passed right back when V P Singh was still the prime minister and Lata Mangeshkar could actually still sing in the sonic frequency range. This move is not totally unexpected. Indeed before enjoying comparisons with another hugely popular figure , Homer Simpson, ex Prime Minister V P Singh had actually considered reservation for left handers but made it as a second priority as with it, it would have taken just too long to screw up a nation.
While fielding questions from the media at the press conference, the UPA government defended the decision saying that this reservation is not applicable for a creamy layer. It applies only to those who are born left handed and not those who are all left hands like Parthiv Patel. Also, this will exclude those left handers who think they are always right e.g Saurav Ganguly, Mahesh Bhatt etc. Amongst the first few bodies to react, the Left Handed Albino employees Union have welcomed this move saying that this move is the correct step on the direction to ensure quotas for the left handed Albino employees family members . For generations, they claimed that left handers have been oppressed by the right handers. There are many instances in history when the non left handed just came down with a heavy hand on the left just because they had the right. Many ancient Indian leaders like Akbar, Ashoka, Jyoti Basu etc were all right handed. The left handed were not given by due by the society to date that even 50 years after independence , there exist places in states like Bihar where the left handed are not even permitted to kidnap or kill people. Even traditionally, left handers were depicted by media as pure evil i.e. Ravi Shastri etc.
Political parties in the opposition have reacted differrently . BJP leaders promised to take a rath yatra first before visiting the issue. Jayalalitha promptly unveiled a statue of herself at the Meenakshi temple. Shiv Sena Supremos insisted that unless all Maharastrians were classified as left handed , he will ask his loyal Sainiks who numbered 7 at the time of going to the press, to burn a few trains( headed out of state). However if they are classified, the Shiv Sena will unlilaterally volunteer to restrict itself to looting shops belonging to right handers. TDP leaders announced a left handed technoclogy park and made a SWOT analysis and a statistical model about the impact of this move and announced the the formation of a sub commitee which will explore the advantages of making a powerpoint presentation using only the left hand. Dewe Gowda after a brief period of confusion in trying to differentiate between the right and the left , finally managed to get a few moments with the press and reacted , "What about the left handed farmers ?" before his last words were drowned by his snoring.
Some regional congress administrations have supported this move with Vilasrao Deshmukh legalising all slums built by Left Handers. A few organisations like the National Right handed weavers have actually claimed that they were orignally left handed but were forced to change to the right owing to the system and hence should qualify for this. Some hitherto neutral organisations like The Mumbai Rickshaw Drivers association have stated that even though they might have obtained their driving license on the basis of the Playstation 2 skills, they are actually closet left handed people, so much so that even when they want to turn right, they still signal left and decided to go on a strike to ask for their right to be left.
The IIT and IIM directors met at a meeting in Delhi to confabulate on this topic before they realised that no one in the media was really sure what "confabulate" meant . They have now decided to merely discuss and then directly submit their findings to a high powered shredding machine in Delhi, in order to save some time. The UPA government spokesman further said , "Ensuring primary education for all people might be a good form of ensuring social justice but it takes too much time and brings in too few votes. The UPA government as a part of it's manifesto is committed to rapid social justice before anything else....even if it happens to be left handed"
Ujwala Bayaji
PTI
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